Friday, July 1, 2011

Universe? I'm listening!

I am an avid movie watcher. Seriously, I always have been. I watch movies when I'm working in my studio too (so at least I multi-task it in!) I'm a huge fan of the chick flick, girl gets knocked down a few times, is trying to figure who she is, then BAM! By the end of the movie she's making a fortune from New Yorkers buying her trendy designed shoes or hats! Don't those movies just give you the warm fuzzy's? Me too!

There's a dark side though! If you watch too many of them in a row, that warm fuzzy start to turn a little bit into jealousy or down in the dumps. You may start asking, "Why can't that happen to me?" "Why don't I know what I want to do as my dream job?" "Where am I going?" "Is it really that easy?" "Am I doing something wrong?" "Is something wrong with me?" OKay...maybe I am the only one in the world that asks those questions.

I'm currently reading a book by Jillian Michaels called "Unlimited". Actually, I am currently STUCK on the book. I have not moved past the first chapter in days. Why Because the first chapter asks you to identify your Passion or as it's put "What the Hell Do You Want to Do With Your Life?" Seriously?

I've often heard it said that the mark a good writer is that they are willing to open up and be vulnerable. So here it goes. I am thirty-five years old and I honestly can not figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. I'm currently a work from home artist who makes little to no money. Part of me thinks selling art is a myth.

When I was a little girl, my only real "big dream" was to be a Mommy. That did not happen, as I'm infertile. We had the option to do IVF or surgeries, but in the end I knew that it would be too much for me emotionally and financially. I knew that I did not want to risk more debilitating disappointment. It was a long process and I worked through it - sometimes clawed my way through it, pulling myself up off the bathroom floor in tears but still resolved to go on with life somehow.

This is years later now, and I have come (mostly) to terms with the infertility. I have a nephew that I love like he were my own son. His uncle and I would do anything for him. We adore every second we get to spend with him. We're also okay with being childless, and at this time are just enjoying our freedom and the quiet solitude of our home.

Only recently am I discovering that the "big dream" issue is wrapped up in my infertility. A big huge dream was unattainable for me. Is it possible I stopped dreaming altogether to save myself heart ache? Is that why trying to decide what to do with my life is so baffling and scary? Why I have drawn a blank at Jillian's question?

Oprah shared some of her journal entries recently, and I just stumbled upon them yesterday. At one point she writes, "...certainly there's more to life than this!" That hit home! There was a definite comfort in knowing that Oprah had the same confusion, doubts and insecurities that I am facing right now. (The journal pages are shared in the April 2011 issue of O - which by the way is cheaper and BEAUTIFUL on the iPad!!)

So for today, tomorrow, and as long as it takes I am going to be okay with the fact that I am still trying to figure out what I want to "be when I grow up." I am going to try to be gentler on myself and realize that no matter how old you are, you still have insecurities.

My goal for now is to try and find some answer's to Jillian's first question. But maybe I'll go ahead in the book, and hope the universe will be gracious enough to present those answers to me as the days and weeks go on because I'm listening and paying attention now!


  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your blog. It sounds like you are on a journey of self-discovery! I started a second career at age 33, a third at age 46, and am embarking on a new stage at age 64 (as a quilt artist). I hope to keep discovering "what I want to do when I grow up". Being gentle with yourself, for sure, paying attention and being open to new ideas, and being willing to risk disappointment - all are important in growth. I found a book by Christina Baldwin called "Life's Companion" which helped me a while back. Good luck on your journey.

  2. Grieving is a tough process Stephanie. Yes, grieve. Grieve the loss of a beautiful dream. Grieve the loss of a special kind of joy. Thank you for sharing this particular dream.
    May I suggest that you've found the different dream and are just working out the details of how that will work?